you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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