Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
