dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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