I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
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You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
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Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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