My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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