I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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