I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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