It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
