Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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