If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
