and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
