i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
i believe in u and ur pee
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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