Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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