yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
