I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
