I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
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