I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
