We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
