...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Is Oprah even human
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
