Me too!
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
