I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
