sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
My liver just had a heart attack.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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