im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
