So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
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I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
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I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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