The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
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we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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