low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now