I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...