Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face