i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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