dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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