im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
