He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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