I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Randomize
