Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
