1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
