Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
