My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
