just survived the first fart of the relationship.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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