I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
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she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
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she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
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