even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
