i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
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