A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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