I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
