So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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