So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
