Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
