Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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