bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
