yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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