I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
