i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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