Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I checked into jail on foursquare
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
