yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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