I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
